the big beautiful (skinny) details

So I know this is only my second entry, but I'm just going to put it out there - I'm overweight. It's not a secret. In fact, I am constantly thinking about it all day, every day. ALL THE TIME. But I also constantly find myself in this dichotomy state of mind about it. I feel that it has become a larger topic of discussion for the general public (well, for the internet, at least - I mean, I'm not sitting around discussing my overweight-ness with my friends). The point is, there is a lot of "big is beautiful" talk going on but, is anyone really believing it?

Israel was the first country to ban underweight models in advertising and on the runway.  Gap was just under fire for a horribly skinny model featured in their recent campaign. Celebs like Kim K and Nicki Minaj are loved for their curves. Everyone loves Adel even though she's "fat". And I can't get enough of "All About That Bass" (the song AND the video) by Meghan Trainor. But my question still remains, is this the truth? We are still bombarded daily by ultra thin models and nearly naked Sports Illustrated covers. Yet when a gorgeous well-rounded female like Christina Hendricks or Kate Upton graces a cover, the first thing people dwell on is the fact that they aren't the cookie cutter 100lb Barbie doll. Why can't we just accept a beautiful healthy woman for who she is?

It's the never-ending battle of popular culture and "the real world". The simple fact is that Americans in general are larger than in generations past. There is so much to blame for this that I can't get into it all right now. But how do we stop it? Who takes responsibility? Where a medium drink is the size of your head and every meal at a restaurant could easily feed three people - why is a woman who is a size 10 dress considered "plus sized"? For someone like me who is in-between "regular" sized stores and "plus" sized stores, it is a carousel of self hatred and love. 

Do I wish I were skinnier? Yes. Does it bother me that I am heavier than I have ever been - without being pregnant? Yes. Am I doing anything to change it? Well, no. I work full time and I have a husband and two small kids at home. I am lucky that I get the 9pm hour to myself to relax each night at all. I rarely drink soft drinks. I hardly ever eat fast food. I could probably drink more water - but I just can't lose the weight. So what do I do? I have to try to be happy with how I am today, because I am healthy otherwise, and hopefully one day I will have more time to devote to myself and get back to the gym. I dress for my size - which is hard sometimes but I would rather be comfortable than try to squeeze my ass into something too small just to appease a number.

The most important thing I can do for myself at this stage in my life is to remember that I am more than my weight. I have been with my husband for seven years and he is still attracted to me. I know it when he grabs my butt and hugs me close, and when we are intimate (which I am sure he wishes was even more often). I feel beautiful (most days - but that's a woman for you) and I will occasionally still get hit on when I go out, which always helps.

In the end, I am for loving yourself at any size. If you are one who embraces the BBW that you are, go for it. If you are a healthy size 2, rock it. I am me and you are you and that has nothing to do with one another. I have to stop judging myself against other women.  I hope each of you will do the same. And so I leave you with this -